there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
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