Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
I just googled dawgpound, shoulda seen that pornsite coming
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
I pour the whiskey from now on
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
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