I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
Everyone loves nachos, first of all. Second, Ke$ha is entirely appropriate for the age grou too young to realize she probably has Hep C.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
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