i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
i hate this class. from the way they're all staring you would think they've never seen a girl in basketball shorts, heels and sunglasses.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
cat food counts as protein by the way
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
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