I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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