an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
We need to get me chipped asap
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Randomize
