Capitaan dildo arrescate!
I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
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