I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
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