I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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