Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
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