turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
I'm like, not good at living.
Randomize
