This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
Just invented taco cereal.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
Randomize
