wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
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