this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
