I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
