i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
lets start a swedish sibling band together
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
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