Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
Nope, Im Irish and pissed with some drunk mixed in...therefore punching things is the best solution to every problem.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
