That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Randomize
