I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
