i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
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