Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Bisexual people are plain selfish.
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
Randomize
