I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
susan atkins died, charles manson's lady
dont cry, there are other serial killers to crush on.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Randomize
