she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
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