the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Randomize
