Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
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