it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
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