I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
Ok so my english teacher told me i could have 5 absences bc of my "problem". I have no idea what she is talking about
Its trashy in the best of ways. Like a stripper working to pay for college.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
Randomize
