the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
I don`t remember Saturday, actually
Its ok, i dont remember 2007
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Randomize
