OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
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