if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
i just had sex bonerless
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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