How'd it feel making her break her religion?
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
worst night to have a conscience
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
Randomize
