Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Randomize
