I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
have i crossed some slutty boundary when gay guys are sending me cock pics?
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Randomize
