onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
