I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
Randomize
