I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
I wonder if those guys know that i know that is a halfway house and dont just think it is some cool older guy frat house.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
Randomize
