meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
So what's the moral of this story? Aside from 'lesbians hold grudges'?
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Randomize
