Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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