Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Randomize
