It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
Randomize
