just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
tell me about the eggs
Randomize
