Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
I'm bleeding and have questions
Randomize
