he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
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