You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
