What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
