That's your vagina. No one goes out and burns it
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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