walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Randomize
