No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
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