i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
Randomize
