Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
First shot of my 21st. 11 a.m. in econ class. Success.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Randomize
