If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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