i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
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